a loving farewell to year 7
Whew, baby. This year.
I feel like this year took me through a journey of rediscovery of myself. I’ve had to face myself in moments that I would’ve rather ignored or breezed past, but this year put me face-to-face with those things and told me that I had to confront them to move past them – to be the woman that I want to be. This was the year of saying “yes” to her and allowing myself to step into that role.
For so many years, I said no to becoming the woman that I dreamed of due to fear, anxiety and honestly just now knowing what would come of it. This held me back a lot. 2023 forced me to ask myself not only what I am willing to sacrifice to become who God has called me to be, but also what am I willing to sacrifice if I am choosing not to be who God called me to be and that question was so crucial for me. Sacrifices were necessary. I had to sacrifice the fear of being seen, the fear of judgement, the anxiety of the unknown and the anxiety of the known. I had to sacrifice these things (we still working on it, but we are getting much better).
I started out 2023 being so heavily focused on how I wanted things to go. I was clinging to my wants and being very stubborn in the idea of things going any other way than what I wanted. I didn’t want the change that was happening because girl I truthfully did not feel ready for it. Those changes were going to make me face some emotions inside of myself that I was not ready to dissect, but one thing about it – God and your ancestors are going to keep leading you back to it until you are obedient. I think one major lesson that I learned this year is that the growing pains are going to take place no matter how much you try to avoid it. You will either experience it by staying in place or by moving forward, so it’s in deciding which path will take you where you want to go – staying where you’re at or moving forward. and girl, big shout out to my therapist ok! because we spent so much time together this year in sessions and she dealt with me crying in sessions, and complaining and venting and working through all the grief I was experiencing.
Grief.
The grief was so heavy this year. I grieved the loss of people, I grieved the loss of relationships and friendships, I grieved the version of myself that I was letting go. There is so much grief that comes with moving forward that I had never really noticed until this year. Or I noticed it and didn’t make the connections. Shedding is painful, and I’m sure the animals and insects that we look at for symbols of growth, i.e. butterflies, experience a similar pain. Like have you ever watched a timelapse of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly? It does not look like it feels good. But that was a theme for me in the beginning 2023, that self-evolution – shedding.
I shed belief systems,
thought processes,
habits,
people,
connections,
and versions of myself that no longer served me which was really the hardest part.
I have cried so many times this year for past versions of myself. Cried because I felt like I was leaving them behind. Cried because I felt like I was abandoning them. Cried because I felt like I didn’t protect them the way I should’ve. Cried because they can’t come with me. It it honestly such a sad process that people rarely discuss. Disconnecting from past versions of yourself because they are preventing you from moving forward feels like you’re ending a relationship with the love of your life. Like that shit HURTS! And girl, I CRIED for her ok!? And you know what else I did? I healed for her too! and I healed in community and really allowed this version of myself and all the other versions of myself to feel the love that I isolated myself from in the past when I thought I needed to heal alone. And that was another strong lesson I learned this year – I can still find love in sisterhood and in community even when I feel drained due to the heaviness of my circumstances.
I’ve written so many letters to past versions of myself this year. I’ve spent so much time in meditation with those versions of myself apologizing for not protecting them and not knowing how to protect them the way that I do now. And I believe that they have received those apologies and feel the love that I have for them in their own timelines.
My wish for them is that they live freely knowing that we did the best we could with what we had, and that most importantly we learned so much, and we kept those lessons, and we grew into who I am today. I am still learning, and still growing and still healing and I feel blessed to have known the past versions of me and to have had the chance to experience who they are even in they are not able to be present with me today. And in a way they are still with me because I am every version of myself wrapped in one – and I choose to love them and practice loving them daily.
I am so grateful to have felt the healing of all of those versions of myself that did not have access to it, and I am grateful to the 2023 version of myself who did the work for us to get here, and who was brave enough to face our feelings, and who was bold enough to show up as herself and be seen. I love her, and I am forever indebted to her, because she is who she says she is. And as I move forward into 2024, I will take everything that she has taught me and become something greater.
Year 7 — thank you for all of the lessons, and all of the love. Thank you for giving us the space to show up for ourselves. We’ve come out on the other side so much stronger.
Let’s move into this NEWNESS knowing that we are strong enough to face whatever presents itself to us. Thank you for supporting us this year. Thank you for healing with us. Thank you for being here with us. Thank you for being here for you.
I LOVE YOU DEEEEEEEEP.
See you on the other side,
xo.