the power in vulnerability

Hello my darling. Thank you for being here with me and sharing this space. I am so grateful for your support and your energy being here. Listen, it’s been such a long and busy few weeks but I’ve had some things on my mind that I want to share with you. So here we go…

I'm currently experiencing a space in my life where I'm disconnecting from old parts of myself and creating room for this version of me to show up fully. In showing up fully, I've been having to force myself to face some uncomfortable truths about the way I view the outside world. I've noticed that I haven't always felt safe and comfortable enough to really show the world who I am and that's been holding me back? Like, ok. What’s the cost of hiding? Am I blocking God's purpose for my life? I love being who I am fully… in private — it's safer there. I am accepted and seen there, because I know who I am. There is a smaller chance of other people trying to tell me who I am if I only exist fully with myself and with the ones closest to me, right? And even then, that can be risky because what if I don't believe that I am who I say I am? Imposter syndrome? Girl, look.

I'm learning that sharing the deepest parts of myself is a practice of vulnerability. Writing these words is vulnerable for me. Allowing people to see them is vulnerable for me; and vulnerable can be scary sometimes — a risk. I'm learning that there is also an even greater risk in not being who I was called to be fully. I will only be able to experience this life in this way one time, and to do it without showing up fully would be a disservice to myself and to my purpose here on Earth.

Recently, I've started taking clients working as a Wellness Coach, and this process has been challenging me in very positive and surprising ways. I have clients relying on me to be the foundation and the guide during these sessions meaning that I have to be confident in my own ability to help and support these people. I would be lying if I said that I think that every session goes perfectly. Honestly, no session goes perfectly or the way that I envision is 100%. I am usually a little anxious before, and I am very harsh towards myself in my critiques when I am reflecting on my role as the coach afterwards (says my professor). I understand now, more than ever, that I am my own biggest critic, and I can see how my anxiety causes me to talk to myself and think about myself. In a recent session with a client, I asked them "What if the anxiety doesn't go away? What will you do to move through it?", and although this wasn't a question for me, it made me think about my own anxiety. I have spent a lot of time trying to remove, ignore and silence my anxiety, but what if it doesn't go away? How will I work around it?

Through vulnerability.

I'm learning that vulnerability is the foundation. Being honest with myself and addressing the things that scare me is the foundation. Sometimes, my anxiety tells me that I am not seen fully, I am not heard, I am not understood but that's not true. The deepest parts of me know that's not true, but there are parts of me that have been scared of not being seen, of not being heard, of not being understood. It has taken courage for me to sit with those parts, in meditation and in therapy and be honest with them. Like, baby, you have fear and that's okay. Everyone who is alive in the world has had fears. And it's been a challenge for me to address these things without feeling the need to change them immediately. I gave myself permission not to fix it, because sometimes fixing it can cause us to ignore the root of something. So, instead I sat with it. I listened to it. I felt it, and I let it teach me why it felt that way. I was vulnerable enough with myself that I gave myself room to be there with what was bothering me.

And as I continue to create space for these parts of myself, they continue to create space for me to live fully. They create spaces for me to feel seen, because I am not ashamed of the work that I have to do in order to grow; and in sharing my experiences, I have been able to connect with so many like-minded individuals that see me and understand me, and the ones that don’t are simply not aligned in like energy.

And so I continue to create space. I continue to show up. I continue to give myself love, and understanding. Because, for me, the reward has been found inside of my journey.

The destination will always be there. Be still.

xo